By: Yaritza Zayas, MS, MFT, LPC, NCC
Years past when a relationship ended continued contact was a rarity. It actually required work and you had to go out of your way to reach out to the person. We live in a society where contact is instantaneous, all the social networks connect you to people you may know, people of your past, and people who have similar interests. And so anonymity to a degree is a thing of the past. Presently, you may “forget” to delete or block them from your social media accounts and contact lists on your cell phone. Therefore, allowing your exes to become privy to your current life. But, is this healthy? I do not think so. I have worked with many people, both men and women, who are hurt by continued contact with their exes. (This excludes those who have children together. That is another post) They teeter totter between the decision of speaking to them or not; all under the guise of being nice. I hear them say: ” I don’t want to be rude” or “Whatever, it doesn’t bother me”, or ” I don’t go on their page (IG, FB, Snap, etc). Yet, I notice how they are “stuck” in the past. Unable to remove themselves from a cycle that is not healthy. They discuss not being able to meet someone else or dating the same type of person. I can’t help but wonder if staying connected to this past is what keeps them from figuring out what and who they want and therefore making the necessary changes in themselves. So, here are 3 reasons why remaining in contact with your ex isn’t’ good for you.
- One of You Just Doesn’t Get It. Let me explain: More often than not, one of you will want the other back. Even if you don’t want him or her back, there’s always a chance that they will want you back. There’s a sense of false hope for one of you and that just isn’t healthy.
- You might compare any new love interest to your ex. You might go back and forth comparing these two individuals and let’s be honest that’s not fair.
- You might start romanticizing the past relationship with your ex, forgetting the bad stuff and focusing on the good stuff. Before you know it, you get back together and break up again because you are repeating the same patterns again.
Break ups, whether messy or civil, means an end to a relationship. There is nothing wrong or rude about ending communication. It does not mean that you are bitter, but creating boundaries that help you to live in the present and giving yourself the opportunity to heal from the break up. This is not to say that some relationship do reconcile and are stronger than ever, in this case both parties need to recognize their faults and work together to improving the relationship (this is again another post).