Be The Change You Want To See In Your Relationship


The truth is, you can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions. If you think that you will be able to change your partner and mold them into someone else you are in for a lot of disappointment. Simply wanting to change your partner is a red flag that you don’t like them. You may be infatuated with certain parts of who they are but you are unwilling to accept them as a whole. Or maybe what you found once endearing now gets on your nerves!  Instead of focusing on what you want your partner to change, I  challenge you to make the changes you wish to see in your relationship.

  1. Take responsibility for how you contribute to your relationship; in every way. Often times, people get defensive and list reasons: “why” they do what they do. Instead, take your responsibility for the good and the bad that you bring to the relationship.
  2. Complain without blaming or criticizing.  A complaint starts with an “I” statement and focuses on the behavior. Blaming and criticism focus on your partner and can be a personal attack on the person. For example: “I was so worried about you when you didn’t call” this is a complaint. Blaming/criticizing looks like this: “I was late for work because you are so inconsiderate”; this statement will only result in your partner becoming defensive and then the fight begins.
  3. Focus on fostering more compassion, appreciation, and empathy for your partner. Think about what it would mean to be them for 24 hours. Do you gain anew perspective?
  4. Learn your triggers and how to self-soothe when you are feeling overwhelmed.  Your mental health (and that of your partner) plays a vital component in the overall health of your relationship. Do not neglect your mental and emotional health. The ability to self-regulate is one of ht most important (and life long) skills you can develop. One that will be necessary if your relationship is to grow and evolve over time.

Which one of the four traits listed above do you need to work on?


Healthy Relationships: Spark Notes Version


Relationships aren’t about having another person satisfy or fulfil you.I say this often but learn to appreciate solitude. You need to be comfortable being alone, and to accept and be at peace with the person you are, in order to be healthy in relationships. Relationships are about building each other up, and appreciating each other’s uniqueness while  also enjoying togetherness. It’s important that you see your partner  for who they really are. We all have our shortcomings and weaknesses. When you first start dating you may be under the influence of infatuation. However, you can learn about who your partner is and what motivates them. This is accomplished by being willing to learn and grow with your partner. Instead of being defensive, or demanding your own way, take the time to understand your partner’s perspective – and, hopefully, your partner will learn from you, too. All relationships have differences and disagreements. Instead of getting defensive pay attention to the patterns of when and why you fight – which points to buried issues, to hurt and unmet needs. Finally, I encourage you to embrace the ordinary in your relationships. In time, the original excitement settles and things will feel normalized. But the day-to-day has meaning when it’s shared with those you love. Photo Photo: by Ivanna Salgado on Unsplash